It’s around this time last year I was preparing to go to France and Japan… I was working extra hard to save for these trips and organizing my plans. It’s so strange to think of it that after I came home, I was heartbroken and then soon got injured and centered the next 6-8 months on recovering from everything. I feel like the unfinished business from last year has carried over and I just feel overwhelmed with how much time has passed and yet I feel like… it wasn’t so long ago.

The more I’m focusing on the day to day tasks I need to do to get where I want to be, the stronger I feel and the more I feel like I can stear clear instead of swirve or panic stop when someone or something gets in my way…. or rather, I get in my way.

I feel more positive that things work out for the best and my instincts are leading me the right way.

Regressing…? Or just acknowledging who you’ve always been.

I feel like letting something go that you really wanted to keep is putting your trust into something that I personally don’t have the answers to… the course of life. The Dalai Lama wrote or said or whatevered that you should remember that sometimes not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck. It’s true, isn’t it? You just never know.

It’s so situational and you have to consider the source and the context of every situation and decide if this is a time where you should apply what you have learned, if you should prove to yourself that you’ve learned by putting it to action for the first time, or if this is a new situation and you should just go with the flow because you don’t really know what the hell you’re doing anyway. This is why… I can’t say I’m so sure about the course of life.

I’ve spent a lot of time in my life fighting for other people, making excuses for their actions, trying to save them from themselves and standing up for them against their own adversaries and internal demons. I’ve spoken for people who don’t know how to and cried for them because they won’t let themselves open up. Some days I think about it and I feel disgusted with myself… because I feel as though I haven’t fought hard enough for myself. I haven’t stood up for myself. I haven’t made myself the number one priority.

I don’t know who told me this… but I know it was an older man and it was when I was very young… a kid. It could have been my dad or some other dad-like person… but, I remember it. The guy told me… “always remember to vote for yourself… you could be the tie-breaker”. I’ve been thinking about this all week. It’s so interesting now in the context of my life and my goals and what I want right now.

I thought to myself at a certain point I guess after I ended my last relationship that it’s a shame that after all I’ve been through… and all the lessons I took away, that I got so forgetful of all that work and study and deciding what I believed was truth that I didn’t pull it out of my back pocket when I felt that gut instinct to pull it out.

Do you believe that when one door closes another one opens? A friend of mine’s wife once told me that you’ve got to get rid of the 3 inch fish because if you’ve got a fish already on the hook, a bigger fish won’t come bite at it. I feel like, it’s an unfair analogy… because I’m never looking for better… I’m only trying to be a better fisher-woman or just woman, or just person or be the best me. It’s never about the people around me, it’s always about myself… finding my grounding and building upon the good things I already have. It takes awhile to learn how to not hurt people along the way… but I believe in one life you only get to decide what you do with yours, not anyone else’s.

Some people are soaked in their personal bitterness and can’t let go. The thing is, as human beings… we weren’t made with handles. Why do we hold on to each other for dear life? I don’t ever feel comfortable being held back or holding someone back from what they want. It hurts when something that was once in-sync get’s timed-out but, I for one am excited to see what happens. “if you want the ball to bounce you’ve got to let it go”.

High Bounce by RobertKrampf

I’ve been blogging since 2009! I just realized this that I’ve been writing consistently and that made me :). My artist friend Larsen set this site up for me gratis and I was really nervous about a truly public blog attached to my name. This blog started in April 2010 but I have an older one that was on-the-down-low that I maintained for myself. I read that entire old thing and I guess it’s strange because I forgot about all that stuff that I wrote about. I really did. I go into a weird zone when I write. I just, spew. I’ve always been like this. Even in papers I wrote in college, I can go back and read them and not know I wrote them but, I did write them. Same thing with the blogging… I was like, “Oh, I wrote that?”. I’ve kept journals I think since I was in Elementary school when we called them DIARY. “dear diary…”… more, like “Dear God” and I think I even wrote to my childhood dead cat once. (weird morbid kiddo).

So anyway, I used to read my old diaries and feel really embarrassed or amused because it was so naive or just… very youthful thinking and the voice was just, YOUNG. And it was nice to read things just from a few years ago and not have that feeling anymore. I was kind of connecting with thoughts that make much more sense now and hold even more meaning or give me a sense of peace.

I’m going to continue to blog. I’m going to post blogs I wrote while this site was down later tonight but just wanted to immediately… get something down.

In 2004 I went on my first visit to Enoshima, Japan with one of my best friend’s older sisters. We met at the train station in Shinjuku in Tokyo. It took about an hour to find each other because my sense of direction was very poor in that big station with many exits and entrances and half-way points and her English was nonexistent. In the end we got there and I loved it. We ended the day on a pier/jetty thing where fishermen were grilling oysters while the sun was going down. I was sitting on the steps looking at the silhouette of mount Fuji and a Japanese man with a camera around his neck approached me and asked if he could take a picture of me. i usually hate pictures being taken of me but for some reason I said okay right away even though I didn’t understand his motive. He snapped a couple photos, said thank-you and handed me a four-leafed clover.

It’s 8 years later and I randomly thought of this, wondering what that picture looks like and what he did with it. It’s weird thinking about how if you just take one more step, you don’t have to be strangers anymore.

this morning I opened my eyes 3 hours before my alarm and I didn’t sleep the night at all… I was tortured by the stress of the following night. I now know, the moon is partly to blame. I am def a moonchild with moon-beaming moods.

For real though… it was not pleasant. Although I love this song… MGMT’s Electric Feel instrumental was looping for hours and hours, my heart was pumping so hard and I was thrashing around.

An hour before I was supposed to be hearing my alarm song, I decided to give in a little to the mania in hopes it would wind down in my brain and I could push through it. I started to take stock on the things I have… the things I am grateful for and got in the shower.

I was in my car and saw the beautiful sunrise and I still couldn’t shake my stress and worry shame and disappointment. I also broke out on the side of my face with a nice archipelago of red spots. Nice. My mom says if I still get zits I’m still young. My hair was still wet. Whoops. I told myself just got to get through the day and be open to its surprises. Something good might happen today…

Well, I fought for it all day and I couldn’t shake it. I was walking to my car and my very good friend sent me a photo of an wow-ing set of waves from surfing the past few days up the coast. It made me smile. He reminded me there is still swell.

I went to the gym and the men next to me kept looking over at me the way a person would look over when they are going 3X your speed… it looks clownish… like you’re obviously being emotional instead of being cool. Yeah, I must have been skipped when they passed out that gene. At least I wasn’t panting… I was still upset so breathing very shallow.

I drove home and caught the amazing sunset.

12.29.2011

The other day I asked my friend in Japan what she loves so much about living in L.A. as opposed to Japan and she simply said, “the weather”. I remember feeling like… people always say that! I wish there was more to love. I wish I could hear something new and wonderful that I could latch onto the idea and feel like I love it too. But, the weather?

Man, I do this so much… I underestimate the things that I already know make me happy. Yes, the weather. Yes, my guitar. Yes, singing. Yes, writing. Yes, having beer and mexican food with a friend, going in the water, yes yes yes. I don’t understand why when I’m not feeling myself or elevated that I don’t turn to the things I know that are readily available to me until I’ve wasted a lot of time being inside my head, worrying, stressing, and worrying stressing the people around me. I already know what works for me, I already know what I love and what lifts me up.

I say this now because I’ve hit all bases and I’m on high elevation. I’m still getting over a bad virus in my throat but it’s slowly dissipating and I’m praying on the daily it leaves me soon. I’ve been playing guitar since I’ve gotten home for hours a day trying atleast to get reacquainted with old songs and fine-tune new ones. I’ve been looking for new music to listen to also. I’ve been going outside into the last 2 days of warmth! Please remind me my next trip out of town must be to warm weather only and I must bring a friend.

The weather forecast says it’s going to warm the next 2 weeks. I will be making the most of it after the other morning last week my windshield had an ice layer that I could only get off by pouring my coffee then water bottle on it. Not normal here and I’ve spent the last month… with a cold body. I’m so over it. I realize that not everyone can just skip town or lives in warm climate, but putting the snow jacket on and turning up the sunny happy music makes a world of difference. Change your space. It’s time.

Wow. I can’t believe how sick I still am. It’s very strange for me to have a cold that lasts beyond a few days, yet I’m still coughing and tissue-clinging. Today I went around my favorite area of Tokyo…. Kichijoji and stood in line for Satou’s menchi katsu and korokke for my aunt. Menchi katsu is basically a big meat ball panko breaded and fried… but the meat from Satou is “special” or something. They always have a line. My aunt doesn’t go many pedestrian accessed joints in town so, I’m the go-to. It’s fine by me. I love shopping and browsing and strolling in Kichijoji…

The weather is a bit… hard for me to stand while still sick. Outside butt-ass-cold, inside the train… HOT!, inside the station shops…. warm, inside the station, COLD! It’s enough to confuse the heck out of your body. My god-send today is something that I’ve never noticed in Japan… I don’t know how long they’ve been selling beverages this way… but they sell hot drinks in cans and plastic PET bottles right out of the vending machines!

This is my favorite so far…. hot lemonade… forgive me if you’ve ever heard of it. I have never! Simple and perfect for a sore throated commuter.

Not feeling too hot. Did not sleep well or at all last night. It’s a beautiful day and I’m wondering if I should go out or if I should sleep this whatever I have off. Decisions, decisions… trying to enjoy my sick-y vacation.

Hello from Japan. I delayed my flight here almost 2 days thinking I had some sort of allergy infection but, arriving here deaf from cabin pressure, and spending the last few days suffering through some sort of bug, not being able to really taste the flavors that I was anticipating on this trip and then waking up this morning with laryngitis… I guess I can admit that I’m still sick.

Luckily this is a walking bug… I’ve been able to go out and I feel pretty good that I’m here. I haven’t been back here since a few days before the earthquake/tsunami. A few of my Japanese friends have been doing volunteer work in the Tohoku region. I don’t really notice too much of a change in demeanor or feel like much has changed other than when you go to the grocery store, they will sometimes have pictures and stories about the regional farmer that was affected by the disasters above the produce from the region. Other than that I feel like the spirits are still high here or at least business-as-usual.

I should be packing… I was a bit thwarted by a rogue nasty cold the last few days I am theorizing came from our blustery winds here that flung crap in the air and into my lungs. Anyway, I lost $$ and time but, I’m getting ready to get out of the country for a bit.

I was wondering if there is really a difference beyond semantics when it comes to not being ready for someone/something or just not being right for someone/something. I mean, how can you recognize when you are not ready for anything?

Fear is what makes you unready, unsteady… etc. and does the fear not make things right or is fear always something that we must recognize and overcome?

I feel like, I’ve been very strong and brave in many ways that count, but in one particular area…

Fear-based on experience is hard to ignore… just as much as very powerful magnetism that draws me back into fearful situations. I feel like… it’s just the course of life that keeps putting me back willfully challenging me to answer the call…

Hopefully I can also remind myself to bear in mind that every person and situation is different… don’t take things for granted and let greatness get away…

I prefer my hands clean before I start digging into something new. I’ve noticed along the way, many people do not share this view. Actually, maybe it’s half and half. Some people can carry the weight of the world and keep moving… keeping throwing things on the pile.

A lot of it for me is… I like knowing why things happened, and how it can be controlled. Scream “control freak”, I’m being honest here… but, on the other side of that, I get to know myself very well and in turn maybe others don’t get to because I already poured it down and flushed it away, never to be seen or thought of again. This is an old view… I used to have.

I don’t walk around with people who haven’t witnessed my personal failures… it’s more like, if I know that a relationship is not going to evolve or is keeping me from moving forward or simply, making me feel guilty, I used to get rid of it any way I could.

People come down on themselves for holding certain patterns and avoiding certain types of people and make it seem like it’s a horrible thing and the same mistakes are doomed to be repeated just because things feel familiar.

I don’t think this…

We act as though we all have mental problems because relationships don’t work out, but you really can’t do the same thing twice the exact way. There are nuances to every situation and person. It’s all essence and momentary and beautiful things are possible even through bad historical data. We are not robots and every experience whether or not it is attached to a person and a series of events, is a part of you as a whole.

I think that there is someone for everyone and you come across certain souls for a reason and are drawn in even closer like a magnet to others and it’s to gain experiences, get richer, get deeper, play show and tell and immortalize your spirit with someone.

I come back to the idea and belief that even within myself, everything is connected…. body mind and soul to the point where I can’t distinguish thoughts from feelings and dreams from feelings and premonitions from physical manifestations. Wow, I sound crazy trying to explain it. But, it’s true. I will come across an example one of these days and explain it less crazy.

Lets face it… in developed areas of the world especially, we’ve become all too sterile and we forget that we’ve got to get dirty, hurt, used, abused to build strength in our character. The heart is a muscle, not a bone.

(This is a pep-talk to myself… btw)

I’ve met many sweet-talkers. I’ve been around people who say I’m great the way I am and to never change…. and then, they realize that me being me screws up their plans and I feel extremely sad that I can’t be who they want me to be… and then feel sad for myself that I want to change to be who they want me to be. This is human.

Ok. I’ve been looking at myself a lot lately… and looking at my skin… all over. Everyone does this I guess, but I haven’t really been doing it. I’m a late bloomer and I didn’t notice till the petals started to fall off. I’m getting older and I feel I’m allowed to say this now that not everything is in the same place as it was 10 years ago. Things have moved on my body. It’s a weird feeling… isn’t it and some days, it can turn into very ugly feelings and you spend a lot of time researching plastic surgery, HGH, miracle skin creams, new work outs… guh!

My mother has started to embrace her age by not dyeing her hair. I didn’t like it… but, I don’t blame her either. It’s expensive and a pain in the ass. Plus toxic. She said that for the first time in her life, people in the airplane cabin acted very concerned and helped her lift her carry-on into the overhead bin. Hilarious.

So anyway, I used to say this because of the vanity issue or some pseudo feministic view or just out of worry for friends going under the knife when I already thought they were quite beautiful and wonderful… I don’t like plastic surgery for cosmetic reasons and to look more youthful. But, now that I’m even older yet still of baby making age… I still say no.

My reason: The body has a way of always knowing that something is not right… something is not supposed to be in there…. the body rejects foreign objects. I don’t believe in designer bodies… I believe in bodies that mark a part of a story and are fully-functioning! It’s your choice and the technology is certainly providing you options as to cutting something off or putting something in… but, if this is some deep-seated I’m not good enough feeling… then it’s going to take more to snap out of it, isn’t it?

“short times a long time when your mind just won’t let it go… ”

It’s crazy sometimes to think about how much you can move forward if you just let go of the past and remember you aren’t really driving the car, you’re just floating your boat.

weird old photo of my eye ball

A musician-friend I met a few years ago used to talk about the one day he’d create a masterpiece and I started to like that word, or the idea that you could create this one beautiful, amazing thing and you could rest on your laurels….
As much as I feel like making music is what I’m meant to be doing… I still don’t believe I will make a masterpiece in the form of a song. Secretly (not so much now), I believe that my masterpiece will be a chain of connections…a family? A great love? Maybe. I see and feel this strongly.

Reminds me of a discussion with my buddy Robb (painter, artist) during a pretty hard time in my life about how he felt during when he was of a similar age at the time of the discussion during his starving artist period… how he had some vision and knew he would be able to keep going. This validated a lot of what I felt when I was even younger… and I’d push myself into situations where I was really terrified and looked-it, but I had some sort of fore-sight, premonition… whiff and kept doing it over and over hoping I’d someday get over the fear? VISION of what was to be and meant to be and where I was supposed to be.

The strongest block I have is myself. You can be on go-go-go-mode and that nanosecond you doubt yourself, it can ruin your whole master plan if you let it. It’s pretty amazing to me how many times this has happened to me… even after all these years of plugging away. I find myself in danger of it happening usually when I start thinking about other areas in my life that I haven’t factored-in to the main ‘vision’… who I’m neglecting, and who/what I’m missing out on… and I go into this lonely, gloomy, scary, panic!

I think this is where most people start hitting the bottle or the pills or whatever….or just end up giving up. I usually go searching…. and checking in with that vision…. is it still here? What do I see now? Am I revisiting old mistakes? How much is this worth?

I love taking super macro shots…. getting in really close to see all the details of a subject and then pulling way back and picking what I want to focus on. As in life, I’ve gone in and looked really close at many things I was interested in and then I’ve stood back and chosen what I’ve wanted to concentrate on. I guess the easiest way for me to explain what having vision is like, is like when someone asks you how you know you love a person or you’re in love… “you just know”. That must be so annoying for someone who hasn’t experienced vision or love. What the hell is wrong with you?!!? Kidding….

The strength of my vision is really starting to bug me! It’s really smacking me around! So much so I’m sort of longing for the days where I was in a scouting mode. Who knew that knowing what you want and knowing it so deeply that you can get what you want if you keep at it would be so frustrating. Would be so exclusive… would be so hard to explain to people who just want their ideas of what is good for me factored-in. Who knew? I can say I never saw this part coming.

I’ve told many a person and opportunity “no” or, sorry, you are not part of what I see and you’re going to do me a lot of story-boarding to convince me that you are. It’s part of making all the threads stronger in the rope attached to the chain to the anchor that sinks to the ground where I’m supposed to call home.

I guess?

I think I piss a lot of my very close friends off. I tend to not let them slip through the cracks. When you come to know someone and how wonderful they are, and their talents and aspirations, I think if you really care…. well, “I” try to support them in the ways that I can.

One of the ways I do this, is reminding them of those aspirations… reminding them a lot. Sometimes when I do this, I feel a little bit harsh… because maybe I’ve done it a couple time already and the person is still in the same spot, not moving towards where they said they wanted and it makes me feel bad that I’m acknowledging that “hey, you said you were going to move to new york and try to sing in a musical, why are you working as an office manager in la and living with your boyfriend and being really boring?”

was that mean?

yes…. yes… I know. I don’t actually say these things. But, in other ways, I do. The reason being is, I wouldn’t expect anything less from them towards me.

I think, the number one struggle any person who has the drive and the will, the inspiration and ability to follow their dreams… the number one complaint is that they don’t have enough support or don’t feel like they have enough support. They want that community to bounce ideas off of, parents who say “do it” and friends that show up and partners/spouses who give them the space and understanding to dedicate the time to their craft.

It’s all excuses isn’t it? Maybe not. I think a lot of why I can still do what I do is because I’ve had the support. No one is throwing me money or opportunities… yet, they replenish because I keep working and I don’t center myself around “haters” or not even as far as haters, but people who are not at the least, ambitious or happy.

If you aren’t doing what you want… then you are really not listening yourself. And when I notice that a friend isn’t listening to themselves… I make sure they at least hear my big mouth.

Fishies in the sea!!!! What does it mean? So many things… but, don’t you find it interesting… that when your heart is set on someone and you just can’t lose your grip, you tell yourself that this person is “SPECIAL” (please say special out loud, and draw it out into a lilting whisper…1…2…3….) SPECIALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL.

And then when things go sour you have to tell yourself… this person is not SPECIALLLLLLLL, that there are a billion people just like them in the world … actually, there are a trillion people better in the world and you are bound to meet one of those better and really special people next.

In these situations… I just let myself feel it all and try not to doubt it. Love is still love when you love… not only when someone loves you back.

After waking up before the sun for the last month and finally feeling good enough to be out… I finally feel like it’s my summer after a very long 6 months of not being able to move around… I finally feel good. I got a few good weeks of sun and now it’s starting to get cold. I know when Winter is peaking its head in when the sun starts sleeping in the ocean. It’s my favorite time of year to watch it go away.

The other day I was so exhausted I brought all my gear and I ended up falling asleep. I woke up fighting between the bite in the air and the extreme relaxation. I got up and started seeing couples walk onto the beach to watch the waves. I forget how watching the sunset sometimes when you are by yourself feels like eating out at a restaurant on Valentines Day.

Luckily for me, they started leaving half hour before it actually went down. I put my stuff in my car and walked out and it was a super low tide where the wet sand stretched so far it felt like walking on water or something less like a religious miracle story. However, breathtaking and I started to look back at the beach and saw no one for miles and miles and I started to feel like in some sort of trippy dream… probably still lucid from my conk-out session.

I really hate admitting this, but I felt a bit lonely. Or whatever the feeling is when you get really frustrated seeing something and feeling something and wanting someone there to feel it with you. I got a bit disappointed in myself as well because I used to be able to easily be under the sky and feel connected to it like I was housed under a giant, loving, sistine ceiling. And now, it’s not as easy.

It’s very comparable to what I think, an artist always strives for…. that connection. Or maybe it’s just a very human thing that we don’t always talk about because we want to be strong. When you are someone who finds beauty in many things… you can imagine how many opportunities there are to stop, look around and see that people aren’t seeing what you are seeing. You become a pointer…. a sign-holder.

At least I know where I am.

If you’ve read the internet, then you have heard about occupytogether.org which started I guess on Wall St., NYC. My instant reaction to this “movement” was curiosity because I have been a strong proponent of educating myself about world economics and trying very hard to understand why things are the way they are and understand the intricate controlling factors of our government and why people are generally living in fear or in ignorance simply about where their food comes from, where their gas comes from, who makes their clothes and why there are people in the USA that can’t eat or live under a roof while there are people who own chains of islands.

My dad is worried that I will occupy. I’ve actually had several emails asking me to join this movement. I think it’s a great thing for people to voice their opinions… from what I get out of it, is that the basic tenet of this movement is to instill true democracy.

Dear dad, I will not be occupying at this point in time although I don’t necessarily discourage it. My reasoning is the people with the money are laughing because we aren’t making our point by making ourselves heard in the venues that the people in control are listening. These places where they listen are places that the WE set up in the first place are not being used….

When is the last time you went to a town hall meeting? When is the last time you went to your city meeting, county, state. They have them every month, sometimes more. I should say that if you care about getting your voice heard, start by going to these meetings and making your voices heard there. I hope this eventually becomes a major point in the movement.

I would also suggest you read ‘Common Sense’ by Thomas Paine and you’ll realize that he truly is a founding “father” and like a father with all his hopes and dreams and idealism and even just a basic desire to provide a just world for their kid, he knew this could happen. He knew that the banking system would control the government. He also knew, as long as people kept showing up to their very local town hall meetings… they gov’t would not get as big, as complicated and hard to understand…

Think global, act very local.

I was sitting on a bench eating my lunch and a man walks by and the man sitting on the bench says to me “Do you get the gay thing? I don’t get it”. To that I responded…. what’s there to get? Why do you need to get it? He said he didn’t like how gay people have parades and flags and bumper stickers and that he doesn’t need to know when a person is gay. Keep it to yourself. I explained to him that it’s just identity…. just like anything a person wants to connect with other people through like their religion, their nationality, their shared interests. Some things are boasted by media outlets and our government more than others to distract us from what they are doing to keep us in a controlled environment.

The fact is… while we spend so much time on the daily, celebrating our identities and putting our efforts into connecting, a lot is going over our heads that affects the quality of life of billions of people who are not as represented. Whether you are gay, christian, multi ethnic… however you identify yourself, you probably care about if you have a place to sleep tonight, food to eat in the morning, gas in your tank, a job to get to that pays you so you can pay your bills. This is the most important issue in society…. our economy. Who pays you, how do you get your money, and why aren’t you getting as much as that guy over there. You shouldn’t be embarrassed to ask these questions and have an open dialogue about it. It’s more taboo to talk about money than your moral opinions.

My parents both worked when I was growing up, and so did their parents. I am naturally going to identify closely with people who grew up the same. It doesn’t mean we can’t be friends, but there is a difference and a perspective I carry from watching people work for survival and to provide, rather than having either the luxury to pursue “dreams” or taking the risk to do so while compromising being able to provide and survive.

Every once and awhile I get glimpses into what life could be like had I continued towards a path that I’ve witnessed and broken out of…. and there are certain comforts that are “nice” but, let’s see… how can I explain this….?
There is a certain leveling in life…. and no matter how much money you make, I believe that there is a sense of equilibrium…no matter what, you will have a void that needs to be filled. If I was working a traditional job just for the money I would fill this void with $200 jeans and complain about how I never have time to do what I really want to do. After 10 years, I’ll already be sucked into a quality of life that can only be afforded by clocking in day after day… and the jeans don’t fill the void anymore…. the void just gets deeper and need to find other quick patches. It’s 15 years later, I’m older… I want to look like myself when I got into this prison… give me those botox injections! boob job!
ok… I can only be this harsh because this is not really me, I’m describing.

A lot of my risk taking and my aspirations are fueled by not so much a fear of the above scenario…. but, more like a tribute to people who for whatever reason, just can’t do what they want. As much as your parents or the people who cared for you and raised you worry about your survival, I’m pretty certain that they didn’t intend on you enslaving yourself. I, myself have to tell myself that many times. My mother will still occasionally suggest “taking some real estate courses”.

For those who are struggling to break free or break through or take their own path… and people come down on them, remember that they are already down their own road and will do anything to make you follow them. This is a system of following each other into a void. Don’t buy it.

Not certain what I’m going to write tonight yet. Let me think about recently… my family was visiting. I miss that safe feeling you can only get when a person who changed your diapers is within arms reach. Don’t think they won’t use the very same thing to get you to do whatever they want you to. “I changed your diapers… don’t cross me”.

I noticed the past week and a half, I’ve been having a lot of miscommunication caused by the written word. I’ve come to truly realize that when you are close enough with someone where they know your tone of voice even when you are writing to them, not to take that for granted. There are so many ways to interpret words when you don’t know where they are coming from.

One of my best friends in high school was a Korean American girl named Jen Thompson. We could finish each others sentences and shuffle topics w/o any bit of latency or transition between and not be confused in the least. My sister and I can also do this at times also but I always shrugged it off as a sibling thing. I thought this was so normal of intimacy that when I applied this to future romantic relationships w/men…. I was strongly mistaken and found it more laborious to COMMUNICATE.

So, what? I have to speak in complete sentences and finish all my thoughts and answer all my own questions and treat thinking aloud as committed statements? And when I speak a generalization, it will be taken as a definite stance on one side of a coin? And I can’t make up my own words without sounding really immature? And when I write an email, or a fb status, tweet, blog, text etc. I have to monitor and contemplate every angle of how my words can be taken?

No-thank-you. Will you please accept that I’m a good person and learn my language?

I will say, I do try to make an effort to explain what I mean when someone asks…. but, at a certain point, I try not explain who I am. In so many ways, it’s depressing to do so… and insulting. I can give you my time for you to figure me out enough… but, please don’t jump to conclusions.

I guess this post has ended up being about how thankful I am to anyone who considers me…. in all my wordplay mania, random babble… who find me quirky, observant and enthralled rather than judgmental, black and white, and demanding. thank you thank you… for letting me fly my freak flag and embracing my crazy. And remind you that the ones that mean the most, that you want to keep close are those who don’t need explanation, they already know who you are and where you are coming from… in the heart of it.

Have you ever meditated? I don’t practice meditation w/the intention of meditating unless I’m trying to heal myself from something painful or draw away pain from my brain, but I do many many things and have always done many things that force me to focus my energy on something that comes as 2nd or 3rd nature, where I go into a meditative state. It’s very important to my own well-being to do so and I think I have done it in natural necessity in my life thus far… which has kept me from abusing drugs, anti-depressives, etc. It’s hard enough for any person in this age to avoid substance abuse, think about the poor, struggling artist.

It can be a tricky thing, if you don’t understand yourself and how you create stillness. You can be sitting on your ass all day with a racing mind. It’s not about rest, it’s about clearing out all the junk in your head.

I was physically working out today and I realized that I could not concentrate or get the rush I feel at a certain point because I had all this negative, angry, aggressive, dark energy that was lying dormant and coming out. I felt like I couldn’t breathe but wanted to go faster and faster and harder until I internally combusted and afterwards, I felt really sick… I could feel a horrible expression on my face.

I’m not un-busy. I’m not bored. I just have stints where I feel overwhelmed and unmotivated and tell myself that I’m just relaxing and taking a break… but, when you become an adult, you can never relax the way you did when you were a kid. You’re never really “doing nothing” so, that space you’re reserving can fill up with ANYTHING…

I need to remember that even when my body is resting, to not let my brain get too slack.

I never used to like stationary bikes at the gym. I liked that puma rider thing where you’d swing your legs like tony little or whatever his name is or the elliptical. I think mostly because having a bike to ride for transportation made it weird in my brain. But w/the nature of my most recent injuries 5 months back, it was nearly my only option for not making my injuries worse. It’s been really amazing as far as healing me up and reducing my pain. I started at 52 rpms… I’m not kidding. I am currently at 107 rpms and my goal is 150 rpms and being able to sing w/o having to catch my breath. I think I can do it.

Reina Boone- Chances Are by reinaboone