Oh wow. Talk about ask and you shall receive…. so, I had this stagnation feeling or rather… I needed a gut-bust… a shake-up, an adrenaline rush… have you ever had this feeling? I get it when I’m standing in several shallow pools of existence… like, I have many things I’m doing, but not deeply and not intensely or that I’m doing many things at the same time that I don’t care much about or things are going pretty smoothly in my life, that I need something challenging and exhilarating.

It seems like, when I asked for this, instead of something “fun”, I get responsibility tacked on me. Just when I started to get into a groove… the needle skips. I can’t “not help” someone who needs it, but when you come to a point in your life where you feel like you haven’t been taking as good of care of yourself as you have of others, then… it gets harder to not mourn the time you don’t get to spend on reaching your goals. And on the other side of that… mourn the time you spend on goals… and working when the work is not necessarily fun.

There’s a balance in everything where we can find freedom.

My old and close friend had posted something on her facebook about how it really bothered her when a man tells her that he’s not where he wants to be in life and that she feels that you never are going to be where you want to be in life and you should live in the present and not wait for situations to get better.

I really appreciate that I have so many different types of friends from so many backgrounds and foregrounds, countries and planets! They ground me and also let me fly my freak.

I can relate on both levels. I can relate on the level of not being happy where I am and I can also relate to thinking it’s bullshit and you shouldn’t wait for things to get better to act. It’s not something I can really generalize about any person…. except hearing someone else other than myself say “I’m not happy where I am” makes me cringe and not want to say it.

Maybe it’s only okay to think everything and not say everything even if you feel it. I’m not being sarcastic… I’m sort of doubting the value of exposing your insecurities. As I got older, I became much more willing to share what I felt was wrong with me instead of sharing what I thought I was doing right and was proud of. When I was younger…. I would listen to someone talk about how much they hate their nose or their big butt so everyone would hear and I would say to myself “what the hell is wrong with these people? now everyone is going to look at their big nose and butt”. I didn’t understand why you’d draw attention to negative feelings about yourself.

Somehow I got to a point where I allowed myself to be vulnerable to many people and I noticed that with the right people… you can say anything… you can tell them your shit stinks and it doesn’t bother them one bit. And then I realized… you tell some people your shit stinks and they come back and say “my shit stinks too!” and there you go…. a bond. Or, you tell someone you think your shit stinks and another person will say ” Really, you don’t seem like the type of person whose shit stinks at all… ” and it disarms them.

I guess it’s all true. I might have been born a life hacker and aged into more of a life slacker. Kidding.

Maybe the next time you or I feel like saying that we’re not happy where we are in our lives…. we can follow up with “I’m not really happy or satisfied, but I’m making changes and if you want to be a part of it, you are welcome”.

What I can take away is… do what you feel, say what you feel… but know that someone is reading it and listening… truly… and watching and you don’t necessarily have a choice in what they make of it… but it’s good to know that most people aren’t going to stick around to see the flower grow out of the shit… and are more likely to sniff the flower w/o the thorns.

well, I’ve been hmm-ing a lot …. hmm-ing the day away when I should be mmm-ing. It might be my come-back to a daily coffee that’s keeping me up. I also am a moon-child and have a tendency to be anxious when I’m not exhausting all my outlets for ZOOM!

I am excited to read, I finally made some time to read the latest Murakami novel and then I realized, I haven’t replaced my glasses I left in France. So, that took all day. ALL DAY and then I noticed the avocados were looking like they were going to turn brown soon so I thought I better make some guacamole. Then, oops… I better hang up my laundry… and oh, I need to email back 4 people. Oh, and wait… I need to work on that song I’m almost finished.

Uh…. ok.

I’m getting ready to settle in with all 925 pages of it and have my mind blown.

it is late for me and I am exhausted but i was thinking of this on the drive home today…
of so many times where someone well-intentioned had said that one needs to “accept who they are”. Okay… okay… is what I think, but that it’s not going to work in all cases. There are people who never accept who they are and no matter what, don’t like themselves or struggle to embrace who they really are, deny it, claim it or let themselves be claimed. There are others who have things they want to change because like a splinter… there are things you know deep down that don’t feel right… and don’t feel like they belong anymore in your life. What if you are a drug addict and want to quit drugs? What if you want feel unhealthy and want to lose weight? What if you are really shy and can’t communicate well and you want be able to. Do you tell a person… “you need to accept who you are”?

I understand very well what people mean… and intend. The people who accept you as you are however you are.. may be who you consider your closest and highly regarded people in your life. No matter what you say, do, look like, smell like… they stick around. But, at a certain point, just as much as you should accept who you are… you need to be around people and an environment that allows you to answer the call…. meet your goals and enable your positive vision. Living is a privilege but, how do you thrive?

I notice when someone comes through for me when I’m down… when I’m feeling needy…. but, I also notice even more when someone pushes me and yanks me up when I’m slipping and they know that I’m struggling through a personal goal or point that I am working to change. It takes guts to open your mouth, put your hand out and take a personal stance in someone else’s struggle… making sure they know you are watching and cheering them on…. doing everything you can to facilitate them getting where they want to be.

So, it’s been weird…. more on that later.

Today I went to buy some new jeans. I don’t like new clothes or shoes. I’ve never liked them. I feel like a big dork wearing something that doesn’t look worn. But now days… I don’t like spending money on clothes and barely ever do. I can tell that I’m getting older because I’m consciously trying to find my uniform…. all the stuff that reliably fit and reliably last and don’t get the things you wear once hangs in the closet till you decide to give it away. But these jeans were wearing very thin… so thin I wore leggings underneath them because they had holes in the knees. I considered online shopping but, I don’t know what my size is lately so I thought I should go find out. I tried on 20 pairs of jeans and picked the only pair that was tall enough. I stop by to pick up some lunch at a vegetarian place and while I’m waiting for my order, I sit and decide to tie my shoe. Right when I cross my legs, my pants split across the leg in the crotch. Talk about the right time to buy pants. I go to the restroom and change into my new jeans. They came with a belt. 2 birds.

It’s been weird because things are working the way that I know they can. I feel bad, I can snap myself out of it. I feel good… I remember why and savor it. I feel pensive, I write and write and play guitar very passionately. I feel passionate… I sing loud until I fizzle.

I just feel like my environment is in this controlled state and I am ready to go on a trip and shake it up a bit. I told myself to be good and make sure everything is sticking. But maybe I’m no good as velcro and I keep meeting the same side of the magnet. Not sure.

Maybe a week ago? this person made it out and told me that it would be weird to start spending time with me, but “what the heck why not?”…. and there is a context I won’t get into…. but, anyway, when the person said it it reminded me of how I feel about pot… I haven’t smoked before, I don’t really have anything against it but, I’ve never really had enough interest in it…. and the only time I really wanted to smoke was when I felt really crappy and wanted to escape that feeling… and I still didn’t end up smoking because my friend told… well, I have some if you want it, but what’s the point now?

And that really hit me… a person that is merely a bit curious or maybe not really, or takes on the attitude of… “well, I’ve lived my whole life w/o it so far…. ” sort of thing… not really what I’m looking for. I’m not looking for someone who feels about me, the way I feel about pot.

On another note…. love is in the air. I went to the beach tonight and watched the sunset while my friend kite surfed. I love the clouds right before it’s going to rain…. they move slow, but fast enough to where you can see them waving at you with little midget arms.

I also saw a long line out the door of See’s Candy and thought it was quite cute :) Happy Valentines!

I don’t sleep very well when I’m busy. I have been busy in action and in brain hence…. not enough sleep. Today I was running on empty when I got to the gym and contemplated swinging by in and out and going home instead but I did my cardio, lifted weights and came straight home and cooked my din. I then re-upholstered a chair and played on the internet while trying to fight the barometric pressure! Is it going to rain again? I am VERY moody.

Hey, I like Valentine’s day actually. Anything with hearts on it…. listening to friends plans for their other, smiling, chocolate, conversation hearts, hand made cards, hugs, smooches, flowers. It’s cute and nice and it’s no reason to be sad or do desperate things. NO no…reason.

At a certain point, I decided it was important to stick. As much as many artists are afraid to face reality, a good amount of them are afraid of being accused of being out of touch. Escapism… I wrote a poem or something like 10 years ago and a line popped in my head…”everyone’s running, running from their shadows… just to see which direction they are going”. I guess that meant… hmmm…. No matter where you go, there you are. Once I really knew that, I started to ask myself what I’m looking for.

I started writing this post the other day and saved it as a draft and didn’t finish it… so, to change the subject… how do you know when you feel someone is more than a friend? You just know right? Sometimes you know when they get a girlfriend and they stop talking to you and you care…. and I guess if you don’t care or you feel happy for them, they’re a friend?

I wish I knew why sometimes I care and sometimes I just don’t… why someone can keep knocking and knocking and I won’t answer the door and then other times, I wait all night to hear from the other…. why I go out the entrance of Trader Joe’s to avoid signing up to be a member of your good cause and I’ll give the homeless guy with a sign my coffee $. I feel bad when I don’t care, I feel bad when I care. When does it ever feel good? Only when someone shares your same feeling or you get the big return? I don’t know. Even when I’m happy, I think of someone who isn’t and feel bad. When someone acts badly… I try to think of all the reasons why and try to find their way out of it with a …”maybe it’s because they…”. I make excuses for people or rather… I try to give the benefit of the doubt or play the devil’s advocate. What is this? It’s getting annoying.

I’ve been spending the last week or so setting up my space to hole-up in a bit… rather than retreating… I’m trying to make sure my home office is inviting and conducive to work. It’s not easy because it’s quite small and I’m not very good with hammer, nails, power tools… wood etc…. I’m good at patching holes, which is going to need to be done also at this rate. I hope to have this finished tomorrow and I can get going.

Prop 8…. see ya! What’s the next step! This is history. Lets move forward please.

I’m excited to wake up tomorrow. Night.

I slept a few hours last night. I had so much on my mind and managed to even dream a bit. I worked and went to the gym. Yesterday was just awful…. as Annie would say… today I made sure I smiled and stayed awake. I worked out really hard… tends to happen when I get knocked down… I get up and go hard. A very attractive guy got on the bike next to me in the room of 50 empty bikes. Why does that happen? I hate letting hot guys see me sweat. My chest gets tight and I start over-compensating my breath. I ended up getting up early and switching to the stairclimber. Downstairs I’m rowing and a buff guy asks me if I’m circuit training and goes on with his unsolicited… advice? I don’t know what it was, but it seemed like it was masked in some sort of confession about how he used to be out of shape and wanted me to know it…I asked him if he was a trainer and if he was trying to sell me training sessions and he laughed and he introduced himself and asked if we could meet sometime. What a weird day. What a weird week. When I’m fighting some self-imposed misery… I must give off a vibe that I’m available. It just adds to the challenge to keep my eyes on the prize.

Today I also think I said something prejudiced… well, I was really paranoid about it for sure and called my friend to tell her I was sorry if she was offended etc. to that she responded… “huh?, you know me… don’t worry”. I just forget sometimes… who knows me and my heart… who knows what I’m about and that’s what scares me…. because when my words could potentially have hurt someone or made them feel like less than they are… that did not elevate them, it can eat me up inside.

When someone rejects you, do you tend to mind your P’s and Q’s… or do you rebel against it all? Amidst all the people I encounter and seek and stumble upon…. I listen for myself in a person…. I’ve heard myself so loudly recently and then just like that…. dead battery.

Right before I was going to bed I dozed off for a few minutes? and I started singing and hearing music in my head and it was so automatic that it took me a bit to realize that I was singing my own creation and I needed to immediately record the melodies or I was going to lose it. I woke up for a bit and…. woke up the next morning remembering what happened but not the song.

I can say that I’m definitely back in my music mode, but it took a lot of doing and although I didn’t get to save that song, I’m grateful for the ability to dream in music. I wish I could say my best “work” was done when I’m happy and giddy and blissful… but in retrospect, it has been when I’m in strife or working through something. As someone who writes and also makes music…. I communicate the best in the heat in the moment. Where other people might be so overcome with what is actually going on, this is when I feel the most clarity about how I feel… like, when someone slaps you in the face… you’d probably feel shocked and then upset and maybe cry or yell. I feel shocked, and then I write it down. That is if I have access to my outlet….

You’d think… well, how hard is it to find a piece of paper and a pen? It’s called… when writing doesn’t control the damage… it doesn’t smooth things over…. it doesn’t let the person know you even better, know you for you, know your soul and who you truly are. It’s when words don’t work and you no longer have access to the person you want to communicate with. It’s when your presence is most important and for someone who finds it difficult to be there… it’s an internal battle.

I want to go all the way and check the things off my list that went by the wayside so many times that they’ve become even more mysterious….and important like a key that’s going to unlock a door to things that I have only seen in premonitions and visions. I want to not focus on the time I wasted in between my attempts and just do it. I want to do it and feel like I’m not missing out on the world outside myself. How do you do that?

For some reason and I never got the whole story as to why… but having something to prove carries a stigma. You’re told not to walk around with something to prove. I’d like to say… I have some things to prove to myself and because of that, it’s okay… better than okay, it’s important. I’m making pudding and I want to see it.

One of the best pieces of advice that I’ve gotten from a man regarding men came from a good friend… and that when dealing with a man, take only the face value…. don’t go home and read between the lines. Don’t read into anything at all. Don’t waste your time or energy doubting him or yourself. All that is your projected feelings, not how he feels. Men are obvious and the ones that leave you feeling totally confused are not worth your time. Period.

I listen to this song at the gym. It’s also perfecto for that whole single ambitious girl thing.