The sun has been breaking through the clouds along the coast around 230p the last few days. It started happening noticeably last year when June Gloom turned into May Gray. I appreciate the thick layers upon layers of clouds just as much as the sun casting it’s powerful glare. My mind’s eyes start seeing things it didn’t want to see…. the breezes lift the curtains from things that needed to be exposed.

ha. Okay.

Last night I was reading my best friend’s blog she kept since we graduated from college. I think I was looking for something redeeming because we’ve been just out of touch enough to where it’s starting to make me question this whole best friend thing. One of my male friends said that best friends are for when you are kids and when you are older, you just have good friends. Okay, whatever…. some people still have best friends.

I guess what I found was that she was struggling a lot and there was a sense of yearning that I don’t see as much these days. I saw a lot of beauty in where she’s gotten to and where we both are really. We’ve been through a lot and I appreciate her even more.

“everyone wants to be free with just the wind in their sails, freedom is balancing and maybe I just tip your scales”…. I wrote that almost 10 years ago. Do I still believe freedom is balance? Sure do.

I’ve been thinking a lot of how obsessed I’ve become about balance. My friend Dan once talked about body symmetry and how he doesn’t like to play sports that you favor one side of your body over the other, like golf or baseball etc. Physically it makes perfect sense. As I’ve become increasingly re-active… meaning I’ve been getting back to being active regularly and increasing my physical strength, I’ve noticed how important it is to make sure all my muscles are being worked in a very delicate balance. One muscle gets too strong, the others get pulled or out of whack. It’s very annoying actually and my body reminds me of my car….which every time I get something replaced with something spanking new, something else rejects it and can’t keep up with it.

I’ve been so accustomed to changing quickly and reacting quickly to survive to my environment and it’s been a blessing to be able to do so in many ways. But, I’ve noticed as I’ve gotten older and hopefully wiser, that sometimes the old and new have to meet in the middle to benefit the whole. This is life, this is growing, this is the lesson of freedom and balance.

At a certain point, there is no “or”. There is this….. and there is this. I think of one of my song lyrics…. “everything feels pivotal, lean one way I fall”.

I’ve been spending some time trying to reclaim my sense of love and fight… even trying to remember how it came to be. I am no less heart broken and just as if not more beat-down than I was before, simply because I’m older by the second w/less and less freedom with more an more to juggle. I have so much to be grateful for and equal amount if not more to complain about and yet… where is the magic?

I’m just a little bit lost here… it’s hard when you’ve done things… some good things and some things I wonder how I did them and I guess I just really need to stop trying to figure out the formula because I never had one in the first place. I acted out of desperation and necessity to survive and found out that I was doing more than that… now I just need to make sure I’m putting in my hours for myself and my own work and let everything else come 2nd.

Sometimes I’m with someone and it’s fine and good and sometimes I get a fine and good response in a situation and wonder what someone else would say…. because you had a connection. It’s like you watch a television pilot or see a comedy act and you’re so entertained… you got knocked out of your chair… you’re skeptical on whether or not they can keep that up. I hope it’s just curiosity and not regret or that I made a mistake. I guess I’m just not fully committed to the present and more of a dreamer. It’s more of an ethereal world when and I can only be shaken from it when I see someone fighting for me or I feel like fighting for someone will let me win them over.

For now I’m won-over until someone tell me that they have the same dream, they like my ideas and want to make it happen. It gets so scary… I don’t want to waste time.

You have joined your movement… community based philosophies etc. and you start practicing on your friends and family and strangers that are not a part of it and you wonder why you aren’t getting the positive results you see from your gurus…. something must of gotten lost… things not only get lost in translation, but in application. Learning is individual and not a churning factory.

You ever meet someone who studied what you studied and wonder how they missed the point? You ever talk to someone who is supposed to be an expert and you know more about their expertise than they do and wonder how it’s possible?

It’s because they are acquiring the style and not absorbing the substance. That stuff on the surface lasts as long as no one really interested asks questions… as long as you don’t stand out, as long as associations continue to float you through what you have chosen as your niche in society.

The only expertise I hold is on being myself. I won’t claim anything or anyone else.

: i will pray to god that this rain will cease to fall on my divine love so young beautiful and innocent oh please nasty rain please don’t drench my love

Chove chuva
Chove sem parar
Chove chuva
Chove sem parar

Pois eu vou fazer uma prece
Prá Deus, nosso Senhor
Prá chuva parar
De molhar o meu divino amor

Que é muito lindo
É mais que o infinito
É puro e belo
Inocente como a flor

Por favor, chuva ruim
Não molhe mais
O meu amor assim

Chove chuva
Chove sem parar
Chove chuva
Chove sem parar

Oh wow. Talk about ask and you shall receive…. so, I had this stagnation feeling or rather… I needed a gut-bust… a shake-up, an adrenaline rush… have you ever had this feeling? I get it when I’m standing in several shallow pools of existence… like, I have many things I’m doing, but not deeply and not intensely or that I’m doing many things at the same time that I don’t care much about or things are going pretty smoothly in my life, that I need something challenging and exhilarating.

It seems like, when I asked for this, instead of something “fun”, I get responsibility tacked on me. Just when I started to get into a groove… the needle skips. I can’t “not help” someone who needs it, but when you come to a point in your life where you feel like you haven’t been taking as good of care of yourself as you have of others, then… it gets harder to not mourn the time you don’t get to spend on reaching your goals. And on the other side of that… mourn the time you spend on goals… and working when the work is not necessarily fun.

There’s a balance in everything where we can find freedom.

My old and close friend had posted something on her facebook about how it really bothered her when a man tells her that he’s not where he wants to be in life and that she feels that you never are going to be where you want to be in life and you should live in the present and not wait for situations to get better.

I really appreciate that I have so many different types of friends from so many backgrounds and foregrounds, countries and planets! They ground me and also let me fly my freak.

I can relate on both levels. I can relate on the level of not being happy where I am and I can also relate to thinking it’s bullshit and you shouldn’t wait for things to get better to act. It’s not something I can really generalize about any person…. except hearing someone else other than myself say “I’m not happy where I am” makes me cringe and not want to say it.

Maybe it’s only okay to think everything and not say everything even if you feel it. I’m not being sarcastic… I’m sort of doubting the value of exposing your insecurities. As I got older, I became much more willing to share what I felt was wrong with me instead of sharing what I thought I was doing right and was proud of. When I was younger…. I would listen to someone talk about how much they hate their nose or their big butt so everyone would hear and I would say to myself “what the hell is wrong with these people? now everyone is going to look at their big nose and butt”. I didn’t understand why you’d draw attention to negative feelings about yourself.

Somehow I got to a point where I allowed myself to be vulnerable to many people and I noticed that with the right people… you can say anything… you can tell them your shit stinks and it doesn’t bother them one bit. And then I realized… you tell some people your shit stinks and they come back and say “my shit stinks too!” and there you go…. a bond. Or, you tell someone you think your shit stinks and another person will say ” Really, you don’t seem like the type of person whose shit stinks at all… ” and it disarms them.

I guess it’s all true. I might have been born a life hacker and aged into more of a life slacker. Kidding.

Maybe the next time you or I feel like saying that we’re not happy where we are in our lives…. we can follow up with “I’m not really happy or satisfied, but I’m making changes and if you want to be a part of it, you are welcome”.

What I can take away is… do what you feel, say what you feel… but know that someone is reading it and listening… truly… and watching and you don’t necessarily have a choice in what they make of it… but it’s good to know that most people aren’t going to stick around to see the flower grow out of the shit… and are more likely to sniff the flower w/o the thorns.

I am excited to read, I finally made some time to read the latest Murakami novel and then I realized, I haven’t replaced my glasses I left in France. So, that took all day. ALL DAY and then I noticed the avocados were looking like they were going to turn brown soon so I thought I better make some guacamole. Then, oops… I better hang up my laundry… and oh, I need to email back 4 people. Oh, and wait… I need to work on that song I’m almost finished.

Uh…. ok.

I’m getting ready to settle in with all 925 pages of it and have my mind blown.

I understand very well what people mean… and intend. The people who accept you as you are however you are.. may be who you consider your closest and highly regarded people in your life. No matter what you say, do, look like, smell like… they stick around. But, at a certain point, just as much as you should accept who you are… you need to be around people and an environment that allows you to answer the call…. meet your goals and enable your positive vision. Living is a privilege but, how do you thrive?

I notice when someone comes through for me when I’m down… when I’m feeling needy…. but, I also notice even more when someone pushes me and yanks me up when I’m slipping and they know that I’m struggling through a personal goal or point that I am working to change. It takes guts to open your mouth, put your hand out and take a personal stance in someone else’s struggle… making sure they know you are watching and cheering them on…. doing everything you can to facilitate them getting where they want to be.

Today I went to buy some new jeans. I don’t like new clothes or shoes. I’ve never liked them. I feel like a big dork wearing something that doesn’t look worn. But now days… I don’t like spending money on clothes and barely ever do. I can tell that I’m getting older because I’m consciously trying to find my uniform…. all the stuff that reliably fit and reliably last and don’t get the things you wear once hangs in the closet till you decide to give it away. But these jeans were wearing very thin… so thin I wore leggings underneath them because they had holes in the knees. I considered online shopping but, I don’t know what my size is lately so I thought I should go find out. I tried on 20 pairs of jeans and picked the only pair that was tall enough. I stop by to pick up some lunch at a vegetarian place and while I’m waiting for my order, I sit and decide to tie my shoe. Right when I cross my legs, my pants split across the leg in the crotch. Talk about the right time to buy pants. I go to the restroom and change into my new jeans. They came with a belt. 2 birds.

It’s been weird because things are working the way that I know they can. I feel bad, I can snap myself out of it. I feel good… I remember why and savor it. I feel pensive, I write and write and play guitar very passionately. I feel passionate… I sing loud until I fizzle.

I just feel like my environment is in this controlled state and I am ready to go on a trip and shake it up a bit. I told myself to be good and make sure everything is sticking. But maybe I’m no good as velcro and I keep meeting the same side of the magnet. Not sure.

Maybe a week ago? this person made it out and told me that it would be weird to start spending time with me, but “what the heck why not?”…. and there is a context I won’t get into…. but, anyway, when the person said it it reminded me of how I feel about pot… I haven’t smoked before, I don’t really have anything against it but, I’ve never really had enough interest in it…. and the only time I really wanted to smoke was when I felt really crappy and wanted to escape that feeling… and I still didn’t end up smoking because my friend told… well, I have some if you want it, but what’s the point now?

And that really hit me… a person that is merely a bit curious or maybe not really, or takes on the attitude of… “well, I’ve lived my whole life w/o it so far…. ” sort of thing… not really what I’m looking for. I’m not looking for someone who feels about me, the way I feel about pot.

On another note…. love is in the air. I went to the beach tonight and watched the sunset while my friend kite surfed. I love the clouds right before it’s going to rain…. they move slow, but fast enough to where you can see them waving at you with little midget arms.

I also saw a long line out the door of See’s Candy and thought it was quite cute :) Happy Valentines!

Hey, I like Valentine’s day actually. Anything with hearts on it…. listening to friends plans for their other, smiling, chocolate, conversation hearts, hand made cards, hugs, smooches, flowers. It’s cute and nice and it’s no reason to be sad or do desperate things. NO no…reason.

I started writing this post the other day and saved it as a draft and didn’t finish it… so, to change the subject… how do you know when you feel someone is more than a friend? You just know right? Sometimes you know when they get a girlfriend and they stop talking to you and you care…. and I guess if you don’t care or you feel happy for them, they’re a friend?

I wish I knew why sometimes I care and sometimes I just don’t… why someone can keep knocking and knocking and I won’t answer the door and then other times, I wait all night to hear from the other…. why I go out the entrance of Trader Joe’s to avoid signing up to be a member of your good cause and I’ll give the homeless guy with a sign my coffee $. I feel bad when I don’t care, I feel bad when I care. When does it ever feel good? Only when someone shares your same feeling or you get the big return? I don’t know. Even when I’m happy, I think of someone who isn’t and feel bad. When someone acts badly… I try to think of all the reasons why and try to find their way out of it with a …”maybe it’s because they…”. I make excuses for people or rather… I try to give the benefit of the doubt or play the devil’s advocate. What is this? It’s getting annoying.

I’ve been spending the last week or so setting up my space to hole-up in a bit… rather than retreating… I’m trying to make sure my home office is inviting and conducive to work. It’s not easy because it’s quite small and I’m not very good with hammer, nails, power tools… wood etc…. I’m good at patching holes, which is going to need to be done also at this rate. I hope to have this finished tomorrow and I can get going.

Prop 8…. see ya! What’s the next step! This is history. Lets move forward please.

I’m excited to wake up tomorrow. Night.

I slept a few hours last night. I had so much on my mind and managed to even dream a bit. I worked and went to the gym. Yesterday was just awful…. as Annie would say… today I made sure I smiled and stayed awake. I worked out really hard… tends to happen when I get knocked down… I get up and go hard. A very attractive guy got on the bike next to me in the room of 50 empty bikes. Why does that happen? I hate letting hot guys see me sweat. My chest gets tight and I start over-compensating my breath. I ended up getting up early and switching to the stairclimber. Downstairs I’m rowing and a buff guy asks me if I’m circuit training and goes on with his unsolicited… advice? I don’t know what it was, but it seemed like it was masked in some sort of confession about how he used to be out of shape and wanted me to know it…I asked him if he was a trainer and if he was trying to sell me training sessions and he laughed and he introduced himself and asked if we could meet sometime. What a weird day. What a weird week. When I’m fighting some self-imposed misery… I must give off a vibe that I’m available. It just adds to the challenge to keep my eyes on the prize.

Today I also think I said something prejudiced… well, I was really paranoid about it for sure and called my friend to tell her I was sorry if she was offended etc. to that she responded… “huh?, you know me… don’t worry”. I just forget sometimes… who knows me and my heart… who knows what I’m about and that’s what scares me…. because when my words could potentially have hurt someone or made them feel like less than they are… that did not elevate them, it can eat me up inside.

When someone rejects you, do you tend to mind your P’s and Q’s… or do you rebel against it all? Amidst all the people I encounter and seek and stumble upon…. I listen for myself in a person…. I’ve heard myself so loudly recently and then just like that…. dead battery.

I can say that I’m definitely back in my music mode, but it took a lot of doing and although I didn’t get to save that song, I’m grateful for the ability to dream in music. I wish I could say my best “work” was done when I’m happy and giddy and blissful… but in retrospect, it has been when I’m in strife or working through something. As someone who writes and also makes music…. I communicate the best in the heat in the moment. Where other people might be so overcome with what is actually going on, this is when I feel the most clarity about how I feel… like, when someone slaps you in the face… you’d probably feel shocked and then upset and maybe cry or yell. I feel shocked, and then I write it down. That is if I have access to my outlet….

You’d think… well, how hard is it to find a piece of paper and a pen? It’s called… when writing doesn’t control the damage… it doesn’t smooth things over…. it doesn’t let the person know you even better, know you for you, know your soul and who you truly are. It’s when words don’t work and you no longer have access to the person you want to communicate with. It’s when your presence is most important and for someone who finds it difficult to be there… it’s an internal battle.

I want to go all the way and check the things off my list that went by the wayside so many times that they’ve become even more mysterious….and important like a key that’s going to unlock a door to things that I have only seen in premonitions and visions. I want to not focus on the time I wasted in between my attempts and just do it. I want to do it and feel like I’m not missing out on the world outside myself. How do you do that?

For some reason and I never got the whole story as to why… but having something to prove carries a stigma. You’re told not to walk around with something to prove. I’d like to say… I have some things to prove to myself and because of that, it’s okay… better than okay, it’s important. I’m making pudding and I want to see it.

I can say that the major contributing factors to my lack of pen to the pages of journals thus-far was a change in day jobs and …. Facebook. Facebook is not for self-centering. Facebook doesn’t really help me share my music either… the biggest way I’ve always been able to share my music and gain connections was playing shows. I’ve come to realize that without writing in my journal and just sort of free-writing anything… I had lost touch with what’s going on and that left me vulnerable to people telling me what they think is going on. Not to mention, my handwriting has gotten horrible.

I have quite a few goals I’ve set for this year. I started on them back in May when I was in a lot of physical pain and was really freaked out about all those other factors when you are trying to recover from an injury. My first priority was my health and I told myself that if I made it to certain milestones in recovery, that I’d owe it to myself to be in the best all around health I’ve ever been … to continue beyond my pre-injury level. So, that’s one thing I’ve been really focused on. I believe that it’s all connected …. so it ties in with making my brain feel good also.

There are random sources of motivation I can come up with…. a lot of the times it’s a person who shares some traits with myself, but I feel they are excelling on a level I am not, but that I think I can get to. And sometimes it’s a person that doesn’t have the advantages or opportunities that I have… and I guilt myself into pushing through. Sometimes… I just envision certain aspects of how I think life will be better once I get closer and closer to I’m working towards.

There have been a couple rough times where I just didn’t feel like hanging in there and I thought of my friend who had passed right before she turned 30 (we were 4 months apart) and how she’s not here right now and how she fought really hard for years trying to beat cancer and she’s not here… and I really heard her voice telling me “are you fucking kidding me… you better do it”.

In other circumstances… i’d say, don’t compare your life with others if you are the one feeling lacking or deprived or unfortunate…. but, when you know someone doesn’t have as much as you… you better take full advantage of your life. It’s not about merely being grateful.. it’s about showing that all you have is not in vain and really playing those cards you’ve been dealt. At least… that’s how I’m seeing it and that’s what keeps me going.

Inspiration is that initial spark that gets you to move… motivation is what keeps you going till you get there. Right?

A really important personal action for me… is to make sure I’m not extending myself to any new commitments while I’m still making the good things stick. Not sticky enough to where it becomes a good habit? Then it’s probably not good for me to get distracted.

So, on another note… I was searching online for a height-weight chart for women my height. Unfortunately, it deviates within 85 lbs which is a big range. What is a healthy weight for a woman 6ft and above? Anyway… I started to think of tall, healthy women and I thought of Gabby Reece and I’ve been looking at her site: Gabby Reece 360 and I really like it so far. I think because it’s been up for so long… I don’t have to wait for new content so, that’s partly why I can access it. Also, when she puts up food comparisons like… mexican food meals at certain restaurants… she doesn’t outright tell you… el pollo loco is the best choice… she gives you the breakdown of several different places and lets you compare the data yourself and decide for yourself. It’s not dumbed-down.

What’s been motivating me with music is just by consistent playing. My friend told me about a book that discusses that success in your field is achieved by putting in the hours… 10,000 hours minimum. When I think about that…. it makes me want to get to work.

my buddy margarita sent me this via facebook

It’s kind of the classic example of being given the opportunity to learn something about yourself when something bothers you about someone. We learn from each other, after all.

I’m having some ups and downs… highs and lows. Have been fighting through, but very hard to sleep and my body is just angry from all the well-intentioned “let’s kick-ass today” exercise and my heart is just starting to scab from a little scrape. Sometimes the small scrapes hurt pretty bad… you just never can tell. This is what you call…. pre-mature burn-out. I won’t burn out… since I’m aware of what this is, never the less… it’s tough. I know what I’m doing and I know what I want and now I have to do all the work. Lots of work.

I’ve told people what I’m doing and how I’m doing it and it’s funny how people will quickly ask doubting questions like “Are you sure that’s going to work?” etc.. and it’s great to know that I don’t doubt it “working” at all. My brain is bitching and moaning that I have to work so hard and thinking about how much it sucks that for what I specifically want… I have to work very hard when others don’t have to work at all. And thinking about how wonderful it would be if even my closest friends truly understood how hard it is. Those are the bad moments ya know…? Those are the times when I allow myself a few minutes and then snap out of it. You get older… you start learning what triggers these moments and the time to do it gets shorter… you basically get sick of your own crap and know how it affects others to be around the debbie-downer.

So, I will be as positive as can be today… look at the sky and let someone else guide me.

The more I’m focusing on the day to day tasks I need to do to get where I want to be, the stronger I feel and the more I feel like I can stear clear instead of swirve or panic stop when someone or something gets in my way…. or rather, I get in my way.

I feel more positive that things work out for the best and my instincts are leading me the right way.

Regressing…? Or just acknowledging who you’ve always been.