Right before I was going to bed I dozed off for a few minutes? and I started singing and hearing music in my head and it was so automatic that it took me a bit to realize that I was singing my own creation and I needed to immediately record the melodies or I was going to lose it. I woke up for a bit and…. woke up the next morning remembering what happened but not the song.

I can say that I’m definitely back in my music mode, but it took a lot of doing and although I didn’t get to save that song, I’m grateful for the ability to dream in music. I wish I could say my best “work” was done when I’m happy and giddy and blissful… but in retrospect, it has been when I’m in strife or working through something. As someone who writes and also makes music…. I communicate the best in the heat in the moment. Where other people might be so overcome with what is actually going on, this is when I feel the most clarity about how I feel… like, when someone slaps you in the face… you’d probably feel shocked and then upset and maybe cry or yell. I feel shocked, and then I write it down. That is if I have access to my outlet….

You’d think… well, how hard is it to find a piece of paper and a pen? It’s called… when writing doesn’t control the damage… it doesn’t smooth things over…. it doesn’t let the person know you even better, know you for you, know your soul and who you truly are. It’s when words don’t work and you no longer have access to the person you want to communicate with. It’s when your presence is most important and for someone who finds it difficult to be there… it’s an internal battle.

I want to go all the way and check the things off my list that went by the wayside so many times that they’ve become even more mysterious….and important like a key that’s going to unlock a door to things that I have only seen in premonitions and visions. I want to not focus on the time I wasted in between my attempts and just do it. I want to do it and feel like I’m not missing out on the world outside myself. How do you do that?

For some reason and I never got the whole story as to why… but having something to prove carries a stigma. You’re told not to walk around with something to prove. I’d like to say… I have some things to prove to myself and because of that, it’s okay… better than okay, it’s important. I’m making pudding and I want to see it.