I feel like letting something go that you really wanted to keep is putting your trust into something that I personally don’t have the answers to… the course of life. The Dalai Lama wrote or said or whatevered that you should remember that sometimes not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck. It’s true, isn’t it? You just never know.
It’s so situational and you have to consider the source and the context of every situation and decide if this is a time where you should apply what you have learned, if you should prove to yourself that you’ve learned by putting it to action for the first time, or if this is a new situation and you should just go with the flow because you don’t really know what the hell you’re doing anyway. This is why… I can’t say I’m so sure about the course of life.
I’ve spent a lot of time in my life fighting for other people, making excuses for their actions, trying to save them from themselves and standing up for them against their own adversaries and internal demons. I’ve spoken for people who don’t know how to and cried for them because they won’t let themselves open up. Some days I think about it and I feel disgusted with myself… because I feel as though I haven’t fought hard enough for myself. I haven’t stood up for myself. I haven’t made myself the number one priority.
I don’t know who told me this… but I know it was an older man and it was when I was very young… a kid. It could have been my dad or some other dad-like person… but, I remember it. The guy told me… “always remember to vote for yourself… you could be the tie-breaker”. I’ve been thinking about this all week. It’s so interesting now in the context of my life and my goals and what I want right now.
I thought to myself at a certain point I guess after I ended my last relationship that it’s a shame that after all I’ve been through… and all the lessons I took away, that I got so forgetful of all that work and study and deciding what I believed was truth that I didn’t pull it out of my back pocket when I felt that gut instinct to pull it out.
Do you believe that when one door closes another one opens? A friend of mine’s wife once told me that you’ve got to get rid of the 3 inch fish because if you’ve got a fish already on the hook, a bigger fish won’t come bite at it. I feel like, it’s an unfair analogy… because I’m never looking for better… I’m only trying to be a better fisher-woman or just woman, or just person or be the best me. It’s never about the people around me, it’s always about myself… finding my grounding and building upon the good things I already have. It takes awhile to learn how to not hurt people along the way… but I believe in one life you only get to decide what you do with yours, not anyone else’s.
Some people are soaked in their personal bitterness and can’t let go. The thing is, as human beings… we weren’t made with handles. Why do we hold on to each other for dear life? I don’t ever feel comfortable being held back or holding someone back from what they want. It hurts when something that was once in-sync get’s timed-out but, I for one am excited to see what happens. “if you want the ball to bounce you’ve got to let it go”.